Graped In The Face

Q. What's the difference between pinot noir and merlot?
A. Nothing, suckers.

So yeah, you remember how that movie Sideways did so well? It was a fine film: Paul Giamatti drinks a whole lot of Californian wine, rants about how pinot noir is so great and merlot is so terrible.

Mmm. Grapes.

Most people who saw Sideways immediately decided that, yes, indeed:

1. pinot noir is brilliant

2. all other wines – especially merlot – are really just fermented hackjuice

There was thus an instant craze in the market for pinot wine, and a corresponding crash in demand for the less respectable grapes (like merlot and shiraz). So: a group of French wine merchants decided to scam the American market by repackaging 13.5 MILLION LITRES of their excess merlot and shiraz wine as pinot noir, instead.

A couple of years later, French auditors became suspicious of some unusually cheap "pinot" grape transactions; a few days ago, a French court unravelled the scam and found a cartel of Carcassonne wine merchants guilty of fraud.

Mugshot!

In the meantime, how many American wine drinkers had figured out that they weren't actually drinking pinot noir? Here is a picture of them all:

Aw, it was only 13.5 million litres . . .

Mondays Can Be Disturbing

But not today! Check it out: have you ever seen an image more charming, more sweet, more heartwarming?

Aww yeah!

It's the wand that really makes it, I think.

I found it here, but it's originally from here – an odd site called TeeFury. Yeah, tons of sites sell novelty tee-shirts, but this TeeFury place is unique in that it puts each shirt on sale for one day only! By the time I discovered the Unicornasaurus, I was already too late . . .  :(

Heck of a hook to grab regular traffic & impulsive sales, huh?

EYES THEY ARE NOT YOUR EYES

It was the seaside. At first...

I thought of the number 10. Then I forgot about her.

Nine. The AM. She greeted me. Something sour in the smile. Something familiar, but I couldn't place it.

I failed the interview.
Eight, and getting later. I was trying to relax, but the lighting in the bar was too bright. Everything was shiny. Everything glinted. Way too bright.

I might have been staring. I decided to buy myself another drink.

Seven. The AM, they tell me. The pink is supposed to calm me down. Her smile is supposed to calm me down. It's not working.

I like her dress. Is that allowed? Tell me if that's allowed.

Six, now. I'm walking towards the group of them when I see her head turn. It's weird, though, it's almost like it rotates. The pattern on her jacket was sewn by a robot. Maybe her hat, too.

Have you been looking at the sky? It's a lovely day, it really is.

Five. It's almost five, now. They've been making me wait, you see, they've kept me waiting until it's too late. They're not even pretending to give me another chance. I'm going to need to make another appointment. I want an appointment.

Her lips look like wax. Suddenly, I remember where I know her from –

Four. She's been dyeing her hair every four days. Is she trying to throw me off the scent? Or is it the other way around?

Everything is turning red. It's a signal. It's definitely a signal. I can see her teeth. 

Three. Everything happens in threes. They think I don't notice, but I do. I'm counting everything and I don't forget.

Still red, I notice. Everything I drink. Everything in my mouth. Could she be frightened, now? I'm looking in her eyes, but all I see is 

Two. The two of us now, that's all there is.

She knows. Oh shit, she knows everything

One? Not one? Not one print, not one shred of fibre, not one scrap of evidence. Not a clue. Of course not.

I have nothing left to give her. Nothing left

Zero. I knew it. The ziggurat, she said. This was the end. Was it Mexico, still? We might have made Guatemala during the night. No way to tell.

At the edge of the jungle I took a blade to the gut. She tipped her hat and smiled like the sun coming out.

It's the new range from American Optical. 1959 is looking good.

Kawaii Strikes Back Lulz!!1!

ADMIRAL: Any attack made by the rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they have obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it.

DARTH: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

ADMIRAL: Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerous ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the rebels' hidden fortress—

[Vader makes a pinching motion and Admiral starts choking]

DARTH: I find your lack of faith... disturbing.

------------

You should see Darth's TIE fighter. Also, the prequels mostly suck but there's an awesome lightsaber battle and it's all like Doraemon totally kills Pucca.

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I often find myself weirdly fascinated by fashion. Clothes, I mean. Not by the way that fashion relates to my own clothes, so much (whether actual or potential); I suppose it's similar to the way I sometimes find high finance interesting, despite the fact that I don't actually possess huge amounts of money.

For instance...

It was a dark and stormy night on the television. While I waited for Lost to come on, a news bulletin was being broadcast. It looked like this:

Now, this is a perfectly reasonable look for a 2008 newsreader. But it's also a perfectly reasonable look for Farrah Fawcett.

Isn't that kind of interesting?

Seriously... the magenta, the frills, even the hairdo — it's not quite what you'd expect, right?

It could be 70s or even 80s, but either way it's unmistakably dated. A pastiche, even. Wear this out to a trendy bar and people will nod approvingly at your daring, ironical appropriation. And yet a fairly conservative, commercial, free-to-air television channel was willing to let their newsreader wear it on air. Did the producers think that this was a slightly daring fashion move, or a perfectly standard one? Or could they be so old-fashioned — ie, genuinely stuck-in-the-80s — that they didn't even notice how retro it looked?

I'd love to take this as a sign that the producers are actually letting newsreaders wear whatever they want, in the hope that journalism will naturally overshadow presentation. Wouldn't it be refreshing to see something really unusual — newsreaders in t-shirts, maybe? (Please don't mention stuff like this, that's not what I'm talking about). Is there any good reason for male newsreaders to always appear in formal suit & tie, for example?

Uh, now I'm actually thinking about it... yeah, maybe. People are so used to the standard conventions of newsreaderwear (shiny formal) that they don't even think about it, which allows people to (hopefully) think about the actual news instead. If newsreaders wear an outfit out of the ordinary, it can be a distraction: not an opportunity for journalism to overshadow presentation, but the opposite.

Aw, nuts! I thought she looked cool. You know what? To hell with potential distractions, I'd still rather see newsreaders wearing whatever they want.

--the Fashionical Thoapsl