Top 10 #3: Top 10 Sports That I Expect I Will Never Play

Sports are like those secret conspiracy societies; if they don't recruit you into their New World Order by your mid-20s, chances are you'll never get to meet the Lizard Emperor. By which I mean, it may now be too late for me to take up amateur kickboxing.

Other hand: some sports, I don't even like the idea of playing! Ten years ago, I would have given myself an at-least-remote chance to do virtually anything; but whether from lack of desire or lack of opportunity, I figure there are now plenty of sports that I will never actually play. As in, seriously: never.

A chilling vision of things not to come? Either way, here's the latest of my Top 10 Top 10 Lists That Don't Really Deserve To Be Top 10 Lists.

It's

The Top 10 Sports That I Expect I Will Never Play!

10. Triathlon

A way to ruin your day at the beach, and to ruin an otherwise pleasant bicycle ride. No!

NOOOOOOO!!!!!

9. Polo

The traditional horse or elephant, that is. (I've alluded to my feelings about horses before.) I am possibly open to bicycle, however.

8. Parkour

Let's face it, I'm not getting any younger . . .

7. Sumo

And sacrifice my trim figure? Heck no! Also, it's apparently kind of corrupt.

6. Curling

Not that I wouldn't be happy to play a good curl, given the opportunity – but I live in a rather temperate clime, and where am I going to find the right kind of big flat stone and stiff broom? Anyone know?

To be fair, I probably won't soon be playing any sport that features in the Winter Olympics. (Unfortunately? What do you think?)

5. Hurling

Yeah, what? No, apparently Hurling is this:

What? No thanks.

4. Pelota

I don't have anything against pelota; it just seems kind of unlikely. When was the last time someone asked you to play pelota? Also (apparently): it only exists in Florida so that people can gamble on it. And the ball moves so fast that it kills people. Hmm.

3. American Football

I actually quite like watching this game, it's a pretty great spectator sport . . .

. . . but how and why would I ever actually play it?

(Also, I will not put on a helmet and shoulderpads AND lycra pants. That's just asking for trouble.)

2. Lacrosse

I'm not even sure what lacrosse is, honestly. Is it an American thing? Something like pelota, but less fatal? The sport of youthful American yuppies? Baskets are involved, somehow? I'm completely unsure; when it comes to US culture, 1980s high school movies only tell me so much.

1. Golf

Because golf is the game of bastards, frankly. The game of media magnates and corrupt politicians. The game of racial discrimination and upper-class privilege. The game of Auric Goldfinger.

Also: so difficult! Why do they make the hole so tiny, and so far away? It's the game of bastards, all down the line.